Monster Python's Flying Circus "How Not To Be Seen"
WARNINGS: This sketch contains gratuitous explosions, monster death (not detailed) and possible spoilers for the second season.
BADDIE EDUCATION FILM #16: HOW NOT TO BE SEEN Woodland.
Moo (offscreen, and will remain so): In this picture there are forty-six monsters. None of them can be seen. In this film I hope to show you how not to be seen.
Peaceful countryside. A ditch runs parallel to a footpath with nobody on it.
Moo: This is Captain Evil Hare, North Town. He cannot be seen. Captain Evil Hare, will you stand up and wave, please.
Captain Evil Hare stands up (he apparently has been hiding in the ditch), waves, and is promptly hit by a dark blast. He crumples back into the ditch.
Moo: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
Desert with several large pieces of buildings lying about.
Moo: In this picture we cannot see Captain Messiah, Silk City. Captain Messiah, will you stand up and wave, please.
One of the gold Monols from Gali's place emerges from a block of masonry and vibrates slightly (Monol version of waving). Another blast hits it and it cracks and falls down, then starts to glow red.
A clearing, with a dead tree in the center.
Moo: This is Captain Ebony, Kamaraku Mountains. Captain Ebony, will you stand up and wave, please.
Moo: Captain Ebony has learnt the first lesson of not being seen- do not stand up and wave. However, he has chosen a very obvious cover.
The "dead tree" is promptly blown up, leaving a Lost Disk.
A meadow with three bushes.
Moo: Now, Bajarl has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out.
One after another the bushes explode. After the smoke clears there is another Lost Disk.
Moo: Yes, it was the middle one.
The flying castle, making its way merrily along.
Moo: Captain Weed chose a very cunning way of not being seen. I was told he was working overtime, location unknown. However, someone told us where he was.
The floating castle explodes.
General Durahan stands in front of his airship with Lilim. Lilim looks at the camera and promptly bails.
Moo: And here is that someone.
Durahan blows up, leaving just his rather disgruntled-looking head.
Moo: Here is where he lived.
The airship blows up as well.
Aerial view of the Eastern Continent.
Moo: And this is where he was born.
... I think you can guess what happened to the Eastern Continent.
Monster Python's Flying Circus
WARNINGS: Contains monster death (non-graphic) and references to the video game.
Setting resembles a gym. An Evil Hare, a Scaled Jell, a Salamander and a Zuum, all wearing Moo's symbol, are in a row. Joker... floats?... in front of them. Gali is leaving.
Gali: Get some discipline into these chaps, Joker!
Joker: Right, Master. Good evening, class.
All: Good evening.
Joker: Where're all the others, then?
All: They're not here.
Joker: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
Evil Hare: Perhaps they've got flu.
Joker: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
Grumbles and general expressions of discontent from all.
Zuum: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.
Joker: What do you mean?
Scaled Jell: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
Joker: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Zuum: Can't we do something else?
Salamander: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Joker: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Well, I'll tell you something, my lad. When you're out on a mission and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of matsumi berries, don't come crying to me! Now, the star prune. When your assailant lunges at you with a star prune...
All: We've done the star prune.
Evil Hare: We've done the star prune.
Zuum: We've done oranges-
Scaled Jell: Whole and segments.
Salamander: Whole and in cakes.
Zuum: Rock candy, Galoe nuts...
Joker: Nuts and candy aren't fruits!
Zuum: Well, we've done them, all the same.
Evil Hare: Grapes, star prunes...
Scaled Jell: Limes...
Evil Hare: Mangoes...
Joker: What about peaches?
All: We did them.
Joker: Gold and silver?
Joker: All right then, magic bananas.
Groaning and sighing.
Joker: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Magic bananas. How to defend yourself against anyone armed with a magic banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch!
The Evil Hare does so.
Joker: Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a human or monster armed with a magic banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.
Zuum: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Joker: Shut up.
Salamander: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Joker: Shut up. Right now, you, Apricot.
Evil Hare: Blackavar.
Joker: Sorry, Blackavar. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then!
Joker takes out his scythe and whacks at him.
Lost Disk formation commences.
Joker: Now, I eat the banana.
He does so.
Zuum: You've killed him!
Scaled Jell: He's dead!
Salamander: He's completely dead!
Joker: I have now eaten the magic banana. The deceased, Apricot, is now helpless.
Zuum: You killed him. You killed him dead.
Joker: Well, he was attacking me with a magic banana.
Scaled Jell: But you told him to.
Joker: Look, I'm only doing my job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
Salamander: And pointed sticks.
Joker: Shut up.
Zuum: Suppose I'm attacked by someone with a magic banana and I haven't got a scythe?
Joker: Run for it.
Scaled Jell: You could stand and scream for help.
Joker: Yes, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
Scaled Jell: A pineapple?
Joker: Where? Where?
Scaled Jell: No, I just said: a pineapple.
Joker: Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
Scaled Jell: What, on the pineapple?
Joker: Where? Where?
Scaled Jell: No, I was just repeating it.
Joker: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right, that's magic bananas then. Now, since you've asked so nicely, let's change gears a bit. The cup jelly. There we are.
Joker throws it at the Scaled Jell, who reaches out and snatches it from midair.
Joker: Harmless-looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Lime Gelatin.
Scaled Jell: Frederick.
Joker: Frederick. Come at me with that cup jelly. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
Joker: Why not?
Frederick: You'll whack me with that scythe.
Joker: I won't.
Frederick: You whacked Blackavar.
Joker: That was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't whack you.
Salamander: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
Joker: Shut up. Come on, brandish that cup jelly. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
Frederick: Throw the scythe away.
Joker: I haven't got a scythe.
Frederick: You have.
Frederick: You whacked Blackavar with it.
Joker: Oh, that one.
Frederick: Throw it away.
Joker: Oh all right.
He throws it somewhere off-camera.
Random Someone: OW!
Joker pays no attention.
Joker: How to defend yourself against a cup jelly- without a scythe.
Frederick: You were going to whack me!
Joker: I wasn't!
Frederick: You were!
Joker: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then, come at me, come on, weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little slimepuddle. You weed...
He pulls a lever- CRASH! A 16-ton weight falls on top of Frederick.
Joker: If anyone ever attacks you with a cup jelly, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.
Zuum: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
Joker: Well, that's planning, isn't it? Forethought...
Zuum: How many 16-ton weights are there in the world?
Joker: Look here, Mr. Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a cup jelly killer-
Zuum and Salamander cast skeptical looks in the direction of squashed Frederick the Scaled Jell, who, miraculously, has survived and is slipping out from under the weight.
Joker: There are millions of others!
Salamander: Like what?
Joker: Whacking him with a scythe?
Zuum: Well, what if you haven't got a scythe or a 16-ton weight?
Joker: All right then, smarty-pants. You two, come at me then with cup jellies. Come on, both of you, whole bag each.
He throws them at them. More skeptical looks in the direction of the zip-seal bags, then in the direction of Joker.
Zuum: No scythes.
Zuum: No 16-ton weights.
Salamander: No pointed sticks.
Joker: Shut up.
Zuum: No rocks up in the ceiling.
Zuum: And you won't kill us.
Joker: I won't.
Joker: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?
Zuum and Salamander: Oh, all right.
Joker: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn my back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the cup jellies! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with cup jellies is to -- release the pixie!
He does so. Lightning. Screams.
Pixie: (mutters) I don’t get paid enough for this…
Joker: The great advantage of the pixie in unarmed combat is that it not only finishes off the foe from a distance, but also eats the cup jellies. Pixies however do not relish meat. The meat assailant should be attacked with a naga. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your mint leaves and star prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...
*all treasonous statements, sexual innuendo, political incorrectness, and general idiocy in this email are completely unintentional and coincidental*